what’s your position?

It was a sunny morning. I rolled over to the sound of Suspect’s voice. He was on his mobile. As usual. My head hurt. My tummy hurt. Uugggh. Was I drinking last night? He walked over and kissed my forehead. The room was spinning, I got up to walk to the bathroom and then I remembered.

All next day I had a bad feeling. A very bad feeling. I called my doctor friend. “Whats wrong Spicey? You only call when there is an emergency”. She asked if I had any symptoms. “No, just a bad feeling”. She advised me to look out for any signs and come see her in two weeks. Fourteen long days of studying each stomach twinge and every mild headache. I didn’t even know what I was looking for.

Finally I decided I felt just fine or maybe I was just distracted by work and the fact that Suspect was around alot as he was preparing for his birthday party. I went to my doctor friend anyway. She did a physical first and announced that I did indeed have an infection. Her words made my stomach turn. I got woozy. She however calmly checked through a battery of tests while I just sat there numb. “Don’t look so pale Spice, it’s a fairly common infection that alot of people don’t even know they have… but the fact that you do means we really must check if anything serious was transmitted as well’.

I had to wait another week for the lab to return my results. It was sometime during those seven days that Suspect was renamed Very Bad Man. My thoughts ran amok with the numerous stories I had heard about him. I became physically ill, withdrawn and vomitous. Possibly the antibiotics but more likely my state of mind. I was so angry with myself I could barely function. VBM inquired as to why I was so out of whack but I was seething and could hardly find the words so he simply avoided me thereafter.

On the morning of his birthday party, I got a call from my doctor friend. I was sitting in his dining room cum office looking out the window while he worked and trying to think of something to say. She was brief: ‘All tests came back negative, jus complete the course of drugs and you are good to go. We can redo the tests in 3 months to reconfirm if u like’ I was so overcome I started to cry. I put my head down on the table and wept. It was a combination of relief, disappointment in my own poor judgment and disgust at the horrible things people say about VBM. He attempted to comfort me. “Whats wrong?” I looked at him as he wiped my face. He’s a Very Bad Man… but its his birthday. “Its nothing, I’m gonna go collect the cake… Happy Birthday Baby’. I kissed him and I left.

the chips are down…

gee folks I don’t know where to begin. I have started writing this post maybe 10 times since I went missing late last year. It’s been one hell of an emotional ride. I decided to take a chance, let down my guard and risk it all. For awhile it was great, I was on top of the world. The sun shone on me night and day. I walked on clouds and wore an insufferable, permanent smile. I could barely believe life could be so grand. So so wonderful.

Of course anything that seems too good to be true isn’t. On a cool Tuesday morning when I suppose all of the rest of you were a work, reality snuck up and boxed me down. I was stunned but not altogether surprised. What did shock me was the series of unfortunate events that followed. They say bad things happen in threes… hmmm… I think I more than filled my quota for 2008. I must have broken a mirror and i forgot :S

Anyway, what can I say now?  I am not doing well. There I said it. I been waking up every morning, putting on a happy face a sloughing thru the days as cheerful as possible but I am so unhappy. I make a conscious effort to give thanks for all my blessings and mercies but lately it’s been most unpretty on the career, family, romance and general well being scale. Nothing is as it was. I am starting over and its hard. Very hard. Some days are good and others are torture. Some days I think I won’t make it, I can’t make it but I continue to believe that the sun will come out tomorrow…

You know I’m no good

Monday morning

6:30 AM, I am sitting in traffic heading to a breakfast meeting [as if Monday doesn't suck enough] and my mobile rings. It’s Trouble aka Suspect. ‘Good Morning Baby… I need you now.’ I smile, I almost stutter but hey its a weekday and I am dressed in my power suit - I can handle this. ‘Good Morning darling… you really are too bad, I am on my way to a meeting… no time for you this morning… don’t you work??’ He laughs ‘Pity… well kisses to get you through your day…’ I HATE that he knows exactly what buttons to press. Everytime.

8:15 AM, I am standing on the steps of the hotel having an ‘after breakfast meeting meeting’ when I get a text ‘Meeting done yet?’ Without missing a beat I send ‘just’ and then I get ‘Well I still want you… I’ll leave the front door open… come now’

8:30 AM: I am passing people I know on their way to work as I head over to his house. My secretary calls just as I pull up outside. I am on top of this: I stroll thru the front door discussing paperwork on my phone… I reach the stairs and as I am about to start up I see him standing at the top smiling down at me… he has on a towel. Lord knows how I managed to remember to put one foot in front the other and climb those steps.

9:00 AM We are both on our phones. Still. I am sitting on the edge of the bed and he is walking around the room cussing someone. Suddenly he comes over and starts kissing me mid-sentence. I am struck silent. He takes the phone from my hand, closes it and continues kissing me. I sit there silent as he hangs up his phone and undresses me. He pulls me up and we dance naked for awhile on the cool wooden floor. Then he lays me on the bed, says he loves my pearls and has his way with me.

9:45 AM We are lying in bed talking shop. I am seriously wondering how I got here and if my secretary managed to reschedule my 10 o’clock. I go to take a shower. He follows me. He has his way with me again.

10:20 AM We are a flurry of jackets, shirts and shoes as we rush to get dressed. He is showing me some documents and proposals as I put in his cuff links. I am fixing my hair in the hall mirror. He stops and looks at me, a little sparkle in his eye. My heart leaps.  We kiss one more time in the foyer before heading back out onto the street.

I know he’s no good but …

Try to remember…

Recently I have been trying with all my might to remember how we got together and I keep drawing a blank. Goes to show how not earth shattering it was. He was a consultant on a project I was assigned to. I do not recall the first time we met tho I know it must have been at the start of the project. All I remember is being in a meeting with him once and he stood to make a point and I thought ‘nice shirt’. He had on a blue and white striped button down rolled up to his elbows and he had lovely fingernails. My mind was wandering and his arms brought me back to the room.

Then I remember asking my secretary if she had is mobile number she turned and yelled out the seven digits that I remember to this day. I didn’t call him. I didn’t have anything to say. The next time he called about the project he asked how I was doing and if I was over my cold. Somehow that lead to us having lunch shortly thereafter. Did he notice me looking at his manicure? I do not know. I can’t remember the restaurant and I can’t remember how many times we went or what we ate or spoke about. I had on silver earrings with little dangling purple crystals. That I remember. Every time I see them I remember him.

My next memory is him sitting on the side of my bed. When did he graduate from lunch date to my bed? I don’t really know but there he was. He was warm and just right. Just right. Just right. Just right. It was a holiday weekend and we stayed in bed. Ate crepes and drank white wine. I remember the bottle on the nightstand but I can’t recall his face. Dammit. If only we knew at the time that this moment was going to be important in the future. We would take our time, survey the room, inhale the aromas and stare into our beloveds face just a little longer.

I really can’t remember it all… and I so wish I could.

Tiki Time Out

Hi folks!! Happy New Year, Happy Carnival and Happy Valentine’s Day!!

I hope all has been well with all of you. I have been crazy busy with the business of life these past few months. Lets just say that “Life is what happens when you are busy making plans” and suddenly nothing that I thought was important is anymore. I even missed Trinidad Carnival!! :O All the same still as my Silver Mist costume did not turn out quite like I envisioned it.  I am loving the pix and the reviews tho.

Anyway folks I can’t even stay long… duty calls :)  I am not sure when I will be back a-blogging but I do log on and check your blogs and of course, FACEBOOK!! All the best to all of you. Happiness and love!!

Feliz Navidad, Prospero Ano y Felicidad!!

Well I am now back in Trinidad for Christmas with the family. It’s been awhile since I have spent a holiday here but I am enjoying all the wonders that are Trini Christmas. [Not to mention the fact that the soca switch has started 'cos Carnival is early in 2008 =] Anyway, to get to the point: MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my blog friends!!! I wish for you all peace, love and happiness for the season and always. Here’s to great things for 2008!!

And just in case anyone was wondering… no I have not changed my travel plans. [as you suspected!! =]

lost in translation

Sorry guys, one month later and I am still blogging about Suspect. **SIGH** This time around I am the one who is away and have been away for over a month. The occasional text has evolved into daily texts, emails and [gasp] phone-calls. The telephone love has morphed into pep talks and how-was-your-day conversations. We’ve had a couple of thrilling visits and even a glitzy cocktail party date. My girlfriends have taken a ‘as long as you know what you are doing’ stance and some of them even seem to like him now. Truth is I still eh know what I am doing but I am enjoying it. So one cool November morning I am treated to this dose of baffling suspicious manspeak:

Suspect: so where will you be for Christmas and New Years?

Me: I told you already, the family vacationing in Grenada this year. Where will you be?

Suspect: that’s really too bad, I am going to a big do and I had hoped you would be in the country but that’s fine.

Me: Hmm.. was that meant to be an invite, Suspect… cos it sucked..

… silence… then he changes the topic and continues speaking

Me: so when and where is this shindig anyways sweetie?

Suspect: its New Year’s Eve and its at *****… but you won’t be here…

Me: NEW YEARS EVE?!? wow! is this like a big fancy ball?

Suspect: yes, its an annual event, black tie charity ball… but you won’t be here…

Me: sounds pretty cool Suspect, so am I invited or what?

Suspect: [sighs] yes you are invited Spicey.. but you won’t be here, will you?

Me: wow, a New Year’s Eve ball… that’s so fab, thanks for the invite babes…

Suspect: you are welcome Spicey.

Soooooo.. what to make of this? He really sucks at communicating but he did invite me out on New Year’s Eve didn’t he? from in November!! this is a big deal, right? right? I am unsure both about the invite and if I want to change my travel plans for him. Perhaps I shall wait until it comes up again. I am going to see him this weekend…

Away Games

It’s been a rough few weeks. Very rough. Work has been difficult to say the least and I have been travelling way too much. I know alot of people think it is cool and glamorous to be a jet setter but let me assure you it loses its lustre quickly and you start to long for your own bed and fridge. [Those are the 2 things in my house I miss most =] but most of all its been emotional. And I am not that good at emotional. k

I have been continuing this game with Suspect.  The bottom line is we [officially] live in different countries and we both travel alot for our jobs. While this allows for variety and a sense of urgency when we are in the same place it also leads to huge phone bills and a vast amount of ‘away games’. Maybe this would be so much easier if we were home… The other day he sent me ‘Good morning / noon / night honey! Whichever one is appropriate for wherever you are! Kisses’ It was both sweet and sad at the same time. I mean.. how real is a relationship based on text?

Now I can’t deny that somehow this man thrills me, even over the phone, like I haven’t been thrilled in a long, loooong time. No matter where I am or what I am doing, the sound of his ringtone gets my heart and pulse racing. I keep reminding myself that he is a player and yet I run with it daily. Last weekend he sent me a message from inside a club in Tokyo telling me how wild and fun it was. I hadda report him to players headquarters. Who texts a girl while in a club full of foreign beauties!! LOL!!

On the other hand tho, I have come to love and look forward to his texts. Its almost like we speak a code now. There are the serious and supportive ones  before presentations etc., the horny ones in the middle of the night and even the sappy ‘you are on my mind / I miss u’ ones.  Every now and then my rational, logical self takes over and says stop this foolishness but then I hear his ringtone somewhere deep in my handbag and I go after it again….

SIGH!! 

My Ex Boyfriend’s Wedding

So I was invited to my ex’s wedding. As you all know [heheh] I am a happy-go-lucky merry like Christmas child who does live loving with everyone as far as possible. Including most of my ex’s. This one was from back in college. We were together for a decent amount of time and had parted amicably. My ambition lead me far away from him and he moved on.. can’t say I am too sad about that cause I am happy with the way things are right now. ANYWAYS to get back to my story:

Me and the ex get along pretty well. Totally platonic. I knew his fiance, they had been friends from when we were dating, and I was even nice to her when she moved to town. Introduced her to the good girly stuff: hairdressers, gym, manicurists etc. So it was reasonable that they invited me to their nuptials. Double envelops, gold dust and written RSVP. The whole affair was planned for her homeland St Lucia. So I decided to book myself into a nice hotel and make a small vacation of the whole thing… Boy am I stupid sometimes!! Good Grief!

So I fly in the night before, only missing the bridal shower half on purpose. By time I reach the hotel its time to sleep and prepare for the big show the next day. The morning is beautiful, and soon enough I am dressed all pretty and in a shuttle bus on my way to the church. Its not until mid way across the island I realise that the whole bus is filled with older couples. Phooey! and here I was half planning to meet some hot guy… no worries, its a lovely sunny day in the tropics. The ceremony was nice, the reception was fun and by the end of the evening I was feeling all upbeat like ‘hey! I wanna get married too.. this is fun and very ‘feel-good!’

The next morning was when the fun really began. I was up early and at the buffet line when I heard my name being yelled. I turned to find about six tables of ex’s family having breakfast. His mom dragged me over [literally!] and introduced me ‘Hey everyone, this is Spice… y’all remember Spice don’t you??’ I am almost certain she winked when she said that. ‘Oh Honey.. are you here alone??’ I really should send his aunt a thank you note for pointing out that glaring fact. And so it started, the y’all-remember-the-grooms-ex-who-seems-to-be-all-alone-and-sad vacation I will never forget. Sheesh.

So for the next few days I was immersed in my ex’s family. I tried to dodge them, they called my room. I went out on a island tour by myself and ran into them. What can I say? He has a big family and it was a very very small island :(  Not that they aren’t nice people, and I’m sure they meant well but I think I really hit rockbottom when I realised they were trying to set me up with recently widowed Uncle Leroy one night at dinner. Good Lorsh! I kicked myself for not making up a boyfriend who had to be in New York on business to explain my apparently woeful singledom.

Anyways, I am happy to report that ex and his wife are still happy and still my friends… so I guess it was all for the best. Needless to say: I learnt my lesson!

‘Suspect’

Against my better judgement, I have been dating Suspect, a known player.  Yea I have heard the rumours and gotten the warnings but my mamma says I always have to learn the hard way. I have a strict policy of going with my vibe. I take all into consideration but I still judge people based on how they treat me. He has been a total gentleman, attentive and respectful, even in the face of women rushing him when we go out. Aaaaanyways…

So after a couple of ‘out’ dates [which ended with goodnight kisses only] Suspect asked if I wasn’t going home with him. I declined repeatedly. Last Friday we went clubbing and while we were dancing he asked if I would ‘pass by’ the next day. I had to smile. Seems he finally gave up on me going home with him. I told him sure even tho I wasn’t sure what agreeing to alone time really meant…

Next morning I got a wake up call So as to not appear too eager, I told him I had a bunch of things to do and I would pass by in the early afternoon. I lunched with my girls and hatched my exit strategy: A call after 45 minutes with some fake emergency. If all was well, a call after another hour and if they didn’t hear from me by nightfall they were to call the police and storm the place :D It was 3:30 when I pulled up at his gate. He was dressed in sweats and hugged me at the door.

We watched a bad slapstick comedy. Usually I hate those, but his laugh was contagious. We sat on the floor and made a mess eating mangoes over a bowl. We cleaned up and he kissed my neck. I was part thrilled and part horrified. I really was not ready to go any further with him. We went back to the sofa to watch a drama this time. His head was in my lap and then he took my hand and started moving it down his body.. I was all set to recoil and slap him if he put my hand on his jewels.. but he placed it on his stomach and asked for a tummy rub. I could have kissed him! (I did.) We were like that for awhile then he pulled me down beside him. I was no longer nervous. I felt perfectly comfortable. His hand slipped under my shirt, he started stroking my stomach and his body curled around mine. I closed my eyes.. and fell asleep.

I woke up to the credits rolling on the screen and a warm man wrapped around me. I smiled, revelled in the moment and rolled over… I literally jumped at the shock of seeing Suspect sleeping beside me. My mind raced thru a quick replay of the day and calmed down. He looked so innocent in his slumber.. he couldn’t possibly be that bad.. *SIGH* I noticed my mobile flashing on the table [when did I put it on silent???] 5 missed calls. I grabbed my exit cue and gently shook him. “Hun, I’m late for a dinner party..” He walked me to my car and hugged me a little longer than he needed to. It was 8.45. As I headed down the road, I could still smell him on me..